Week 10 – Holy moodswing Batman!!

Week 10 – The scan was AWESOME!!! Of course it was AWESOME!!! Cause everything is great!! I really really need to chill. The babe was amazing, growing perfectly on track, strong heartbeat of 171 bpm, had 2 little arms and 2 little legs. It was incredible!! I feel so blessed, so lucky, so fortunate. I’m still so shocked this is happening!! I have a baby in my belly!!
I had to do some more pretend drinking this past weekend at the in-laws. Filled a beer can with water twice, and declined wine because I was driving. The next night at friends, I flat out said no thanks and drank tea….but I was legit freezing and actually needed boiling hot tea. The weather is changing and I am HATING it. I hate the cold, I need HEAT.
So this week we started to make a stab at the baby’s room. It’s a big project because the room we chose was once a kitchen on our second floor….don’t ask. So there are cupboards hanging on the wall still. We ripped them off, sanded and spackled, and repeated. By “we” I mean, mostly fiance. The cupboards smelt weird and I was so tired that I was basically zero help.
My moods this week have apparently been unbearable. I’m on a super happy high one minute and then immediately come crashing down in a teeny ball of rage. I actually don’t feel that mad but I guess my reactions aren’t nice. Fianc√© and I have been getting into nightly tiffs almost every night. I think it’s a combination of me being super tired, and highly irritable and him having a few after work drinks and being a little more sensitive towards my reactions and a little less reasonable to the situations. I’m trying hard to bite my tongue but I’m just getting so annoyed. I really hope this passes because it’s hurting both of our feelings. And I don’t want to feel any stress. He’s actually travelling for most of next week so I’m sure I’ll just feel lonely and sad. And actually miss having someone to argue with ūüėČ
We still haven’t told anyone. No one! We went out for dinner last night with friends that have a 7 month old, and another couple who are 22weeks and due in January. They all know that we’ve been trying for a year but don’t know all of the details. I actually received a really sweet email from one of the ladies this morning sending encouraging words and some naturopathic resources to help infertility that she had. ¬†I can’t WAIT to tell them!
I also got invited to a baby shower the day after we get our first NIPT results back. Fingers crossed that all goes well and I can announce to some friends there.
I think we will announce to our parents in 2 weeks on our Thanksgiving weekend. That way my mom can come to the NIPT appt that¬†Fianc√© won’t be able to make it to. Hopefully.
I think I will tell bestie this weekend. Some friends are getting together and¬†are going out for brunch on Sunday to celebrate her belated birthday and I’m hoping for some time at the end to have a chat with her, hopefully give her some flowers and a card,¬†and tell her my news.
My symptoms have still been mild this week. TIRED, IRRITABLE, scatter brain and feeling like this weird chubby but not pregnant girl and I have nothing to wear. My breasts are sore but not as sore as they were the first few weeks but they are definitely in the way when I try to sleep. And on the topic of sleeping…how can someone be soooooo tired but have the hardest time falling asleep?! And staying asleep!! I’ve been getting up pretty regularly to pee once a night which is new and then having so much trouble getting back to sleep. And it’s freezing and terrible.
Oh and the midwife FINALLY called me back. They have a spot for me!! I have an appt in a week and a half. I’m still torn on what I’m supposed to do – OB or midwife, but I’m going to go to the appt and see how I feel.
I am anxious for the next few weeks to HURRY UP!!! I just want to be in the safe zone, I want to look pregnant and not bloated chubby and I want to tell our parents and siblings!! And I want to see our wee little babe again!!

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Week 9 -Chill out brain!

Week 9 – My brain is really f*#king with me this week. Or maybe it’s not. But it probably is…… SEE!!!
Ughh….. My symptoms are still minimal. What I do have, crazy dreams, tired, swiss cheese brain, tender (but not as much as before) breasts. I’m not nearly as bloated as I had been. I’ve had zero morning sickness. I had a little bit of queasiness last Sunday but I was in a car so it could have been motion sickness as well. I don’t feel as hungry or thirsty, although I am still drinking like 10 bottles of water a day. I don’t feel like I have as many or any food aversions.
I don’t know…..I just don’t know.
I’m hoping and praying that all is good.
Having a previous miscarriage really keeps you in this state of high alert. I listened to a podcast (I HIGHLY recommend this podcast to anyone going through the battle of infertility) that referred to it as Infertility PTSD, which is exactly how I feel!
In almost 24 hours I will have my 10 week scan with my RE and we will see our beautiful little blob 2 weeks older then the last time we saw it and my brain can relax. But until then…..I can’t help but wonder….is everything ok in there?!?!
For the record, I’m having zero spotting, and zero cramping. It’s just my brain, it’s all in my brain.
Also – I have called around for a midwife again and everyone is booked. But one place said they may have one available but they need check with one of their girls and get back to me. That was Tuesday…. And I can’t call from work – because no one knows, and of course they are only open the hours that I am here at my desk. I’m so annoyed. I imagine since they haven’t gotten back to me the answer is no, and I will have to go with an OB that the RE assigns to me. This is frustrating!! Maybe I can email them…I’ll have to look into this today.
Wish me luck for my scan tomorrow!!

…so much sadness

Today is¬†my gf’s birthday and I message her sending her wishes and my love. I ask her how she’s feeling, her symptoms have been very strong.

….she tells me it’s gone.

My heartbreaks. I wish I could take her pain away. The hard truth and the commonality about miscarriage is so scary. And it’s such a secret that no one talks about. I know she’s not in a place to talk about it yet, but I hope she’ll reach out to me for support when she’s ready. I had one friend¬†who knew I was pregnant before and she had experienced a miscarriage as well. She was such a great help and I am so grateful for her.

This also terrifies me. She was almost 9 weeks. And had strong symptoms which made me think she had such a strong pregnancy and would for sure make it. Where I have little symptoms and fear the worst 24/7 and everything was great last time we checked.

Saturday can not come soon enough, so we can check on our sweet little blob at our 10 week scan.

Telling her I’m pregnant just turned into one of the most difficult things I’ll have to do.

Week 8 – Sweet relief!

Week 8 – I stayed calm in the waiting room….but on the exam table, different story and as the nurse was looking around in there and not saying anything my heart started to race.
I couldn’t really understand the look on my fiance’s face – he and the nurse are the only ones who can see the screen, I could not….this was not calming¬†me down at all.
Finally I blurt out “Is everything ok?!?!”. She tells me it’s all great! Everything is right on track, the baby looks great, it’s wiggling around in there and has a heartbeat of 171 bpm!! Exhale……..!!!!
I get another “told you just to chill out” from fiance. I can’t help it!! Our little blob has turned into a bigger blob and has a HUGE head!! It has little teensy blobs sprouting out of it (these will be the arms and legs!). It’s unbelievable. I have never seen anything so incredible and it’s inside of me and I’m growing it. This is so crazy!!
Dr also tells me to chill out but understands the deja vu that I am having. He prescribes me morning progesterone suppositories to go along with my night times. He asks how the last 2 weeks went and I tell him of the strong nausea and meat aversions and then how the symptoms decrease. He then questions fiance for ten minutes on how he cooks his ribs (the ones I was gagging while we were preparing).
Work is super busy this week which is great. I drink gallons of water and pee all the time. Still pretty tired. Breasts still sore. And I’m bloated. Like woah. I haven’t gained any weight but I can’t do up my pants and need to use a hair elastic to keep them closed.
I have 3 work lunch meetings and I order water with lemon when everyone else drinks 2 beers. I decline beers and wine in the office – my new job would be a DREAM come true if I weren’t pregnant…now it’s just a tease!! ¬†I’m sure they all think I’m lame and no fun…
Week 10 scan is booked and so are my NIPT appts at week 13 and 17 and I need to get blood work taken now – I’ll do that on w9d1.
These 2 weeks between my scans are even harder then the TWW when TTC!!
I’ve called around to get a midwife but everyone is already booked and I’m waiting on one call back – fingers crossed!! I had noooo idea that this was something you were supposed to do as soon as you get pregs..!?! Ugh…. If I can’t get one, then I guess I’ll have to be assigned an OB and just go on the wait lists for a midwife. I have no clue which is better but have been told by many friends how great midwives are and that I will definitely want one when its my turn.
Hope I can get in!

Week 7 – Where did it all go?

Week 7 – Symptoms…..where are you!?!?!
As family joins us at the cottage, I come up with creative ways to “pretend party”. Mocktails with limes in them and no one is questioning me. But the best…the BEST….is when I took a beer can and washed it out, and took a water jug to our bedroom, and every time I went to the washroom, I filled it up with water. IT WAS GENIUS!! I was keeping up with everyone!! BUT they all grew increasingly more and more annoying to the point where I couldn’t handle the slurring and just went to bed. But no one was the wiser. I even faked a little hangover.
As we returned home and I returned to my new job, I felt….well I felt great. I wasn’t nauseas. I was not as tired. I felt like my breasts weren’t as sore. I no longer felt any uterine stretching.
I was sure this was it.
It was going to end the same way my last one did.
I woke up in the middle of the night crying and convincing myself the worst was in store for me. I had no bleeding, no cramping, no sign of a miscarriage….my biggest fear was my symptoms were gone.
One more sleep until our 8 week scan. I’m¬†trying to stay positive and upbeat but preparing for anything.

Week 6 – It IS real!!

Week 6 – We have a heartbeat!!!! OMG!! Is this really happening?!?! It’s amazing. There was our tiny little blob with a strong little heartbeat of 121 bpm! Dr says everything looks great!! He can’t believe we conceived naturally but is so happy for us! As an insurance he starts me on night time progesterone.
We book our week 8 scan and I can not wait!! This day is also the first day of our week vacation and we are off to our cottage.
As the week continues….the nausea kicks in and woah!! The site of raw meat is revolting and then trying to eat cooked meat is really difficult – I don’t get it….I LOVE MEAT. I’m nauseas off and on all day and soooo tired.
I try to stay active and keep busy to keep my mind off of it but it’s tough. I need to be within a foot of drinking water at all times. Sips of water seem to be the only thing that helps with the nausea.
I’m so grateful for this feeling but it is KICKING MY BUTT!!

How we got to where we are now…

Here we are…I did it…I made a blog. I’ve read all of the ones out there and decided to share my own story. My ups, my downs, my constant anxious mind. Thanks for following along, I’d love to hear from all of you on your journeys as well. I hope my story can help you along your way.

Quick background on my TTC (trying to conceive) journey.

May 2015 – my boyfriend of 4 years and I decide to go off of birth control and start trying to conceive. At this point I was 35 and he was turning 31. We were both in great health, although he was diagnosed with colitis and had a hydrocele that was to be removed in Feb 2016. I was tracking my base temperature in the morning and using the app Kindara to track my cycle – I highly recommend this app and the community of women that come along with it!

June, July, August 2015 – BFN (Big fat negative)

September 2015 – I visit my family dr and tell him we haven’t conceived yet and he puts in a recommendation to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). BFN

October, November 2015 – BFN

December 2015 – First appointment with RE. Basically they just take down all of our info and past health history and our plan to conceive. But…..then they shut down for 2 weeks over Christmas holidays….so there goes ANOTHER cycle. BFN

January 2016 – Start cycle monitoring with RE.¬†Have¬†an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) and he says this will be a “monitoring” cycle. They do give me the trigger shot at ovulation time to assist and see what happens. I turn 36 and am violently ill with 24 hour flu that day. 2 weeks later I got my very first BFP (big fat positive)!! HOLY SH*T!!

February 2016 – OVER THE MOON BUT TERRIFIED!!! We are excited and anxious and unfortunately turning to dr google with every sign and symptom because I’m stressing about everything- I feel like this is pretty normal though. I had a very low beta to start with and that freaked me out. At 6 weeks we saw the fetal pole and heartbeat!!! I was on progesterone suppositories morning and night. At 8 weeks we were measuring a little behind…..and then I started spotting. Light brown. Darker brown. Dark red. Bright red. Clinic was closed and we went first thing Monday morning – the same day my boyfriends surgery was scheduled to remove his hyrdocele (for those that don’t know what that is – don’t google it. It was caused by a previous hernia surgery and it’s basically a large testicle filled with fluid). So they did an internal scan of the baby and confirmed there was no longer a heartbeat, the baby hadn’t progressed and this was a natural miscarriage and to come back when I stopped bleeding in a few weeks. Devastating. Heartbroken. Destroyed.

March 2016 – During the week of recovery from surgery for my boyfriend, I worked from home the first 3 days. My bleeding was still light, and I was grateful to be home with him during this time. Wednesday night cramping started and my bleeding increased – I’ll leave out the details but if you would like to know my experience you can DM me and I can walk you through it. I was scheduled to go to work the next day but knew there was no way I could…so I took 2 personal days. The bleeding continued for the next 5 days but lightened up by Friday. I returned to RE for a scan a week and a half later and they told me there was still some “matter” inside me and my beta was not yet ZERO. I went home, was cleaning my kitchen, felt a gush, ran to the washroom (THIS IS GOING TO BE TMI SO SKIP AHEAD IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ), tore my pants down as I wasn’t wearing a pad and didn’t want to make a mess….and there wasn’t anything there …?!?- BUT my phone dropped into the toilet at the same time. SO with my pants around my ankles I run back to the kitchen, grab a ziplock bag, grab the rice and throw it and my phone inside the bag. But as I was reaching down for the rice….I felt something. I felt something slip out of me – remember my pants are still around my ankles….So once I pull myself and my phone together…I look down. And there on my kitchen floor is the last bit of “matter” a little bloody grey blob. With no emotion as I’m in shock of what has just happened, I scoop it up onto a kleenex….and flush it. And that was the end of my miscarriage.

April 2016 – I wait for my next period to start a new cycle and what feels like an eternity. New cycle monitoring starts and they put me on Femara to plump my eggs and give me the Ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation……BFN

May 2016 – Month 2 of Femara and Ovidrel…..BFN

June 2016 – Morning and Night Gonal F ¬†injections with Ovidrel. My eggs are so big I feel like they are going to burst. The RE performs an IUI…….BFFN. Frustrated. Disappointed. Sad. Upset and over it. Decide to take 2 months off….5 weddings coming up to attend and it’s summer. I need to chill out. It’s been a year. I need a break from tracking everything every day. The next 2 months, I will not touch the thermometer, I’ll track my period and that’s it. Wedding number one in the books.

July 2016 – WE’RE ENGAGED!!!!! Happiest day ever!!! Wedding number two in the books. Loving everything! Summer weather is perfect!!! And then…..I get laid off….soo…not sure what the plan is because that really cuts into our fertility treatment fund.

August 2016 – Wedding number three happens and the job hunt starts. That didn’t take long – I got a new job and start in 2 weeks!! I start spotting and go out and buy some tampons and liners preparing for the dreadful AF (aunt flow). We attend wedding number four (where one of my best girlfriend’s¬†and I joke in the bathroom – “I could be pregnant right now!!”) and I wake up severally hungover, throw up all day and suddenly realize…..I’m late. ¬†I find a cheapy dollar store test I have at home and take it…BFP. WTF. We can’t believe it!!!! I hear a lot of “told you just to chill outs” from my new fiance. ¬†Go to RE to confirm and check my beta levels. 4 weeks 2 days = 326.7, 4w4d = 941.3!!! Tripled!! So excited!! Already feels stronger then last time!! Schedule our week 6 scan for a week and a half away. I start my new job and suddenly have full anxiety about being pregnant and having to tell them in 3 months. Hang out with¬†gf again who tells me she’s still late but hasn’t taken a test yet. I don’t tell her about my BFP but tell her I’m back at the RE taking meds and that’s why I can’t drink. My gf¬†confirms days later – BFP. OMG we’re pregnant at the same time. But she doesn’t know…